I Am Bismark


how i feel about me.

i think it can be pretty useful sometimes to take a self inventory. during those long dark tea times of the soul, trying to understand where your strengths and weaknesses lie can help you really improve yourself. thus, how i feel about myself:


  • intelligent: i think i’m a pretty smart guy. i can achieve well in school, and i really enjoy learning.

  • believing: i have strong beliefs that i hold to. i am not perfect in living the things i believe in, but i try. it is no small feat to reconcile what i believe and the logical and scientific ways that i think and study. yet the more i learn, the more i believe.

  • sense of humor: i think i can be a pretty funny guy. a lot of it depends on the situation, but there are times i can be a total goofball. sometimes my humor is a bit dry and cynical, and some people might not appreciate it, but some can and they get a kick out of it.

  • physically healthy: i keep myself in shape. i like to run, lift weights, and play pick up games of various types. i hiked up a mountain the other day, and it felt really good.

  • sense of style: i might not have the coolest style, but i know what looks good. i think i dress pretty well, especially for how much of a nerd i am.

  • nerd: i am proud to be a nerd, and i don’t hide it. i like computers, i like science fiction. it is cool to be a geek.

  • big dreams and hard working: i really want to suceed in life. and i think i have the will power to do it. for example, i went from being one of the least athletic kids in my class to being MVP of the track team my senior year. i don’t think i can count on genetics for that one, because i am the only one in my family who has ever done anything athletic. i pushed myself very hard to get to that point. and so now, i have big goals of being sucessful in my career. i plan on graduating near the top of my class, i plan on going on to graduate school at an elite university, and i plan on working and making a very comfortable living.

  • loyal: i can be a very good friend. when i care about someone, i really care about them.

  • loving: this one is almost borderline between like and dislike. i fall in love pretty easily. when i love someone, i want to do everything in my power to stay with them. unfortunately, that sometimes leads to me being a bit paranoid or pushy. but i figure at some point i will find a girl who appreciates the fact that i will worship the ground she walks on and fight to the death to keep her mine, so i guess i should like that fact about me.

dislikes (and how i plan to fix it):

  • pale skin and poor complextion: the curse of being a redhead. not much i can really do here.

  • too skinny: i will never be a big guy. after a year of pretty consistent weight lifting, i would say i have put on very little mass. but i am not going to get discouraged, and maybe someday i can look decent without my shirt on.

  • moody: sometimes i can just get grumpy. a lot of times, there are reasons, but the reasons might not fully justify my feelings. it has happened a lot over the last summer, so i need to work on it. i can usually get myself out of my moodiness pretty quickly. i think a lot of the time, i am just looking for a little bit of attention, so i need to get over acting like a five year old.

  • easily stressed: i push myself very hard. i really try my hardest to be laid back about a lot of stuff, as many people who know me find out. but that is really just a defense mechanism, because i know how stressed i can become. i will continue to try to be relaxed about school and relationships (probably the two most stressful things i have) and i need to make sure i have ways of releasing my feelings. i want to pick up basketball again, so i think i will go buy a ball tomorrow.

  • pessimistic: its true, i can be a worryer and a pessimist. i get it from my dad. for example, sometimes i really do think that i have no chance with women. yet if i really think about it, among the girls i have gone out with and dated, i would say 95% are quite attractive girls. i do have some charm in me. i just need to tell myself that more.

  • cold: i said above i was loyal and loving, which i do believe, but sometimes i can be a very cold person. i am about the least sentimental person i know. sometimes i think that is good because it keeps me from emotionally attaching myself to thinks that don’t have a lot of meaning, but it also keeps me from a lot of joy in life. this last week, i spent a lot of time with my mom. a few times i thought that i was bored of it because her and i are so different, but when i went home at nights, i realized how i did love her and i did want to spend time with her. i will miss her someday. i need to learn to open my heart to more things.

  • anger: i don’t get angry too often, but when i do, it is bad. i say and do stupid things. i need to learn more control of myself in emotionally stressful situations. i think part of the reason i can be cold is that i want to avoid those situations as much as possible. i think the best way to do it though is confront them and try and stay as calm as possible.

well, i think that is about it right now. new semester, new beginnings, and hopefully a new me.

two weeks.

well, i’m in my new apartment now. it’s pretty decent. the kitchen is nice (we shall see if i ever do end up using it). the living room is a bit small though. the place is empty, along with the rest of the complex.

tonight i went out to dinner with my mom, her roommate from college, and the roommates daughter. thankfully my mom didn’t try to pull any silly match making lines. we went to macaroni grill, which was quite tasty. afterwards, we went driving through provo canyon and enjoyed the scenery.

today, latenighthunter was supposed to take a greyhound bus down to st. george to meet k. well, apparently the bus showed up and had no space on it, even though he and a bunch of other people had bought tickets. so, my mom and i did the nice thing and drove latenighthunter down to meet k about halfway in beaver, utah. my butt is still sore from that drive.

utah is not a very pretty place, especially fillmore utah. avoid it.

and drive-throughs in beaver, ut have to be the slowest anywhere in the world. i hope dairy queen figured out something to do with our medium ice cream cones. waiting ten minutes in the drive through gets a bit boring, so we went to burger king instead.

so yeah, i’ve got a whole week of a completely empty apartment. latenighthunter will be back on saturday. i’m not quite sure what to do with myself. i might work on my mission memoirs a bit. thankfully i bought tickets to education week, so i will be able to keep myself busy for a few hours. i’m going to check out the classes on the dead sea scrolls. it should be good.

if anyone has any good ideas for how i can keep myself occupied for the rest of my “vacation” let me know. also, if anyone is good at organizing furniture, get ahold of me. i am at a loss at how to place these couches in order to get the best tv viewing experience for the most people. call me if you are in provo.

ryan’s adventures with hot girls, 8/16/06

so, i was in line to buy some chicken broccoli pasta (one of the few things i will still eat in the cougar eat) and there was this really hot asian/polynesian (the good polynesian.. not the kind that will eat you for breakfast) girl next to me. well, as i was getting my drink, she kept checking me out. after the first look, i didn’t think anything about it, but after she turned her head and looked at me the third time, i was pretty sure what was going on. i think it must be my new hair cut. anyway, so i was trying to play it cool, but some how lost track of filling up my cup and i ended up overfilling it and getting fresca everywhere. the end.

just another manic monday

i am excited to move into my new apartment building. this place has been full of too much crap. yeah, so maybe i brought a lot of it on me with the whole making out with three different girls in one weekend (can anyone say rebound?) but still, a fresh start will be nice. i am pretty sure i will do a lot better in this new place. i am a bit worried about meeting too many freshman girls though, and everyone knows that freshman girls are not a good thing to get mixed up with. too much of that here at the villa also.

i am pretty sure i am a nice guy. i’ve yelled at girls a few times, but i think they deserved it when i did. i’ve never hit one and i would hate myself forever if i ever did. i think there is a girl out there who will actually respect that fact in me, and respect the fact that i care about her feelings more than anything else. just finding her without getting too discouraged along the way is the tricky part.

this week is finals. and once again, i could not care less. i just don’t understand the fuss. if you did your work during the semester, a final really isn’t going to change a whole lot. i will do my token studying for each test i suppose. and i will get straight A’s again, without anyone giving a crap. whatever. i don’t get all that excited, but i know i would be pissed if i didn’t get the As, so it is better that way.

people are starting to come back this week. that is a good thing, because i am hella bored way too often. i find myself in the weight room trying to take up more and more time. that has left me pretty sore, but maybe i will actually gain some mass for once.

that is all.

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