I Am Bismark


seriously, crushes are the dumbest things in the world. what makes a person have such an irrational attraction to someone they barely even know??

here is a journal entry i wrote many months ago back:

“On to the subject that of course has been heavy on my mind lately, and that is girls. The girl I really want to meet and talk to just doesn’t really seem all that interested I’m afraid. Like, I’m pretty sure there is no way she can not know that I am interested in getting to know her after all the times that I have gone up to talk to her, and especially after I [edited because it gives things away too much]. But even then, she seems to just spurn me by not even acknowledging my existence. So that is sort of a bummer as you can guess… Everyone keeps telling me to just go big and talk to this girl that I want to meet so bad, even if to just get rejected. And I know that is what I should do, but it’s freaking tough! I mean, she actually happens to standing about 20 feet from me right now, and it would be completely easy to go up to her and ask her on a date or something silly like that, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Maybe it is because the thought that maybe just maybe I had a chance but never took it is a lot easier to handle than the fact that I took the chance and got shot down trying. I suppose it just comes down to be afraid of rejection, or embarrassment, which isn’t new to me. I did learn how to stop a Japanese business man on the street and ask him if he was interested in hearing about the Gospel, but for some reason I just can’t get myself to walk up to a really beautiful girl and ask her if she wants to go on a date with me. How horrible is that? I feel like such a loser for it.”

dumb. dumb. dumb. yeah, in the end, i did ask her on a date and it went fine. all of the building up was completely in my mind, and i doubt she even realized half of what was going on in my head. if i think a girl is cute, i should ask her out. plain and simple. no building things up, no worrying about rejection (honestly ryan… there has not been a single girl that has completely rejected you for the first date since you have been here). i think part of my problem comes from not having a good idea of what to do for a date. i am not very creative, i lack reliable transportation, and most of my closest friends are in committed relationships, making group things a bit awkward.

what the hell am i talking about anyway?

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