I Am Bismark

Ok, so, in my many hours of solitude and loneliness, I think I have finally come up with the reason for why women hate me. Well, maybe I should first qualify the statement that women hate me. Ok, so it’s true. While I was in high school, I figured the reason that no women ever showed the slightest bit of interest in me was because I was Mormon, and obviously was not looking for “action.” I mean, I think some girls considered me as a friend or a nice guy, but even the girl I thought I was dating for awhile apparently wasn’t really that interested in me. But, that theory has completely fallen to pieces now that I am here at BYU, because even when I am surrounded my Mormon chicks, they still aren’t interested. The other night, we were at a dance, and I went up to a group of girls with my friend and started dancing by them. They were all part Japanese, lived in Japan, etc., so I thought I had a good in. But then one of them suddenly took out her cellphone and walked away. Then the one next to me just turned and walked away, and the other two on my other side turned around facing away from me. Ok, so there it was. I thought maybe it was because I am a bad dancer, but I don’t think that could be the case, because stuff like this happens all the time to me.

I thought it could be that I am just freaking ugly. I know that I am no stud-muffin by any sense of the word, but I never have seen myself as repulsive. I try to dress nicely, and I do my best at keeping my complexion as clear as possible.

So, this is what it comes down to: I smell bad. I think I must really stink. Everyone knows that you can’t smell yourself when you stink, so all I can figure is that I am one of the worst smelling guys in the world, and everyone has always just been too nice to me to say anything about it. Of course I take showers and use cologne, but you know how some people just have that eternal stench no matter how much they try to cover it up? That is totally me. I haven’t quite figured out what the smell is yet (obviously because I can’t smell myself). I would think perhaps a mix between dog crap and boiled broccoli. Or maybe wet garbage on a hot day.

I am really happy that I have finally figured out what my problem has been all these years. I have always felt that one couldn’t make any progress until one understood the challenge. I guess my goal now is to find women who have lost their sense of smell. Among the 6 billion people out there these days, there has to be at least a couple of attractive ones. I hope they don’t figure out that I am using their handicap to my advantage though.

To all of you who have suffered through years of friendship with me, I thank you. It must have been hard, but your charity has really meant something to me.