I Am Bismark


my new theory on why women hate me

Ok, so, in my many hours of solitude and loneliness, I think I have finally come up with the reason for why women hate me. Well, maybe I should first qualify the statement that women hate me. Ok, so it’s true. While I was in high school, I figured the reason that no women ever showed the slightest bit of interest in me was because I was Mormon, and obviously was not looking for “action.” I mean, I think some girls considered me as a friend or a nice guy, but even the girl I thought I was dating for awhile apparently wasn’t really that interested in me. But, that theory has completely fallen to pieces now that I am here at BYU, because even when I am surrounded my Mormon chicks, they still aren’t interested. The other night, we were at a dance, and I went up to a group of girls with my friend and started dancing by them. They were all part Japanese, lived in Japan, etc., so I thought I had a good in. But then one of them suddenly took out her cellphone and walked away. Then the one next to me just turned and walked away, and the other two on my other side turned around facing away from me. Ok, so there it was. I thought maybe it was because I am a bad dancer, but I don’t think that could be the case, because stuff like this happens all the time to me.

I thought it could be that I am just freaking ugly. I know that I am no stud-muffin by any sense of the word, but I never have seen myself as repulsive. I try to dress nicely, and I do my best at keeping my complexion as clear as possible.

So, this is what it comes down to: I smell bad. I think I must really stink. Everyone knows that you can’t smell yourself when you stink, so all I can figure is that I am one of the worst smelling guys in the world, and everyone has always just been too nice to me to say anything about it. Of course I take showers and use cologne, but you know how some people just have that eternal stench no matter how much they try to cover it up? That is totally me. I haven’t quite figured out what the smell is yet (obviously because I can’t smell myself). I would think perhaps a mix between dog crap and boiled broccoli. Or maybe wet garbage on a hot day.

I am really happy that I have finally figured out what my problem has been all these years. I have always felt that one couldn’t make any progress until one understood the challenge. I guess my goal now is to find women who have lost their sense of smell. Among the 6 billion people out there these days, there has to be at least a couple of attractive ones. I hope they don’t figure out that I am using their handicap to my advantage though.

To all of you who have suffered through years of friendship with me, I thank you. It must have been hard, but your charity has really meant something to me.

don’t try to fight it, just embrace it

I have a confession to make. I, ryan, am a nerd. Yes, you read that correctly, I am a total and complete geeky nerd boy. I have decided that there is just no point in trying to deny who I am any longer.

You may wonder what prompted this realization. Well, last night (Friday) at about 7 pm, I was sitting in the one of the physics labs on campus. A few other guys and I were working on calculating the electric field that existed at the center of a half hollow shell with a uniform charge across its surface. As we were working through the triple integral involving the spherical coordinates, I had a sudden realization. I was not upset that I wasn’t out at a party. I wasn’t upset that I wasn’t out on a date. I was actually enjoying myself. A physics homework problem had become my hobby for those few minutes.

No, there really is no need to mourn for me. This is actually something I should have embraced so long ago. I am a geek.

I like computers. Everyday, I read a website called Slashdot.org, and I am just fascinated by stories about Microsoft and Apple, about new hardware, and about the Internet. I can’t remember the last time I checked sports scores on ESPN.com.

I just got hired as a computer support representative for the College of Fine Arts and Communications (cfac csr for short). I am excited about this job. I enjoy the guys that I work with. They talk about things such as video games and sci-fi that really interest me.

While at work, I decided I wanted to learn GNU Emacs (props to those who know what that is). I thought that I could be much cooler if I did my programming with it than with just lame GUI text editor.

Tonight, my roommate and a friend of mine sat around, ate chips and cookies, and watched Japanese anime. I really liked it. I love Japanese culture. I want to get more into anime and manga.

Girls do not like me. I think that is something I really need to just accept. I am too goofy looking and definitely not charming enough to make up for that. I really don’t have time for relationships right now anyway. I am going to try and see girls as people I can be friends with. Which means, I am not going to care if a girl is cute or not, but whether she is into the same sort of stuff that I am into. Of course, I will still find Asian women to be the most beautiful things on Earth.

I think I will still try somewhat to dress trendy though. That will be my sort of unique thing. Like, in a group of nerds, there should be the goth, the freaking smart asian kid, the quiet kid, etc. So I will be the well-dressed kid, at least well dressed for a nerd. I mean, I did lose just about every ounce of style I had in high school while I was in Japan, but I don’t think I am doing too bad right now. Also, I plan to stay in shape. No matter how big of a nerd I become, I don’t want to become one of those fat guys. I think I will also continue to take showers. If I ever want to get a good job, I had better at least smell good.

Forgive me if anytime in the future my lack of social skills puts any sort of hamper on our relationship. I hope all of you who know me can accept the fact that I am an out of the closet nerd.

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