I Am Bismark

since i’ve had a number of people ask me about my last note, i guess i had better clarify things. no, i am not turning gay. nor was i gay and i am now coming out with it. i still like girls. i do. i just need some time to think about things.

here is my question though. what is a nice guy supposed to do when he doesn’t want to get married? my current theory: there are two types of girls at byu. first, are the ones that want to be married. sure, they are looking for nice guys, but they make it into a really huge deal. i mean, they will go home and pray if they should go on a second date or not. then there are the girls who are looking for fun and so they want the bad boy, rebellious, treat them like crap type of dude.

now, i am not blaming this on girls. i think a lot of this stems from guys here at byu falling into two groups also. first are the ones that are obsessively seeking to get married and take a different girl out every night until they find “the one.” then there are the guys who don’t care and just want some mormon style action. thus, girls end up realizing that there are these two categories so they just choose to go after one or the other.

now, before i start getting all of these messages giving specific examples contradicting my theory here, i will remind the reader i am speaking in generalities. i don’t think everyone is like this, but from the limited selection of people i have met, this is what i have observed.

so once again, the question. what is a nice guy who isn’t ready for marriage yet supposed to do at byu? i mean, i think i am a nice guy. sure, i can be sarcastic and obnoxious. but i think when i am out with a girl, i can be quite respectful and interesting to interact with.

when people ask, i usually tell them i just haven’t found the right girl to marry yet. but the truth is, i really just don’t feel ready for it. am i mature enough to raise a child? to control the finances of a family? to sacrifice everything for others? maybe not yet. the girl and time will come, i’m not worried about it.

but, as those of you who have talked to me about the subject know, emotional fulfillment is what i wish i had. what does that mean? perhaps examples are the best way to describe it. when you have someone you love, even just sitting on the couch with them cuddling for the entire evening doesn’t seem like a waste of time. when you have someone you love, going on a late night walk doesn’t make you tired in the morning. when you have someone you love, everyday you can wake up and feel excited about what will happen. life becomes easier. i’m not saying this as some romantic ideology, but from my own experiences. i had that once.

do i wish i could find that girl that will do that to my life again? yes. i want the girl that makes me want to be better. i want the girl who will make something as simple as going to the grocery store the most fun and exciting part of my day. i want the girl that when she doesn’t make herself up, i want to cuddle and hold her because she is so cute. i want the girl that when she does make herself up, i think “damn, someone get me out of here before i lose control.”

where is she? maybe not anywhere nearby. i’ve looked a bunch of times. no luck so far. and i will probably start looking again soon as everyone told me.