I Am Bismark

i think it can be pretty useful sometimes to take a self inventory. during those long dark tea times of the soul, trying to understand where your strengths and weaknesses lie can help you really improve yourself. thus, how i feel about myself:

likes:

• intelligent: i think i’m a pretty smart guy. i can achieve well in school, and i really enjoy learning.

• believing: i have strong beliefs that i hold to. i am not perfect in living the things i believe in, but i try. it is no small feat to reconcile what i believe and the logical and scientific ways that i think and study. yet the more i learn, the more i believe.

• sense of humor: i think i can be a pretty funny guy. a lot of it depends on the situation, but there are times i can be a total goofball. sometimes my humor is a bit dry and cynical, and some people might not appreciate it, but some can and they get a kick out of it.

• physically healthy: i keep myself in shape. i like to run, lift weights, and play pick up games of various types. i hiked up a mountain the other day, and it felt really good.

• sense of style: i might not have the coolest style, but i know what looks good. i think i dress pretty well, especially for how much of a nerd i am.

• nerd: i am proud to be a nerd, and i don’t hide it. i like computers, i like science fiction. it is cool to be a geek.

• big dreams and hard working: i really want to suceed in life. and i think i have the will power to do it. for example, i went from being one of the least athletic kids in my class to being MVP of the track team my senior year. i don’t think i can count on genetics for that one, because i am the only one in my family who has ever done anything athletic. i pushed myself very hard to get to that point. and so now, i have big goals of being sucessful in my career. i plan on graduating near the top of my class, i plan on going on to graduate school at an elite university, and i plan on working and making a very comfortable living.

• loyal: i can be a very good friend. when i care about someone, i really care about them.

• loving: this one is almost borderline between like and dislike. i fall in love pretty easily. when i love someone, i want to do everything in my power to stay with them. unfortunately, that sometimes leads to me being a bit paranoid or pushy. but i figure at some point i will find a girl who appreciates the fact that i will worship the ground she walks on and fight to the death to keep her mine, so i guess i should like that fact about me.

dislikes (and how i plan to fix it):

• pale skin and poor complextion: the curse of being a redhead. not much i can really do here.

• too skinny: i will never be a big guy. after a year of pretty consistent weight lifting, i would say i have put on very little mass. but i am not going to get discouraged, and maybe someday i can look decent without my shirt on.

• moody: sometimes i can just get grumpy. a lot of times, there are reasons, but the reasons might not fully justify my feelings. it has happened a lot over the last summer, so i need to work on it. i can usually get myself out of my moodiness pretty quickly. i think a lot of the time, i am just looking for a little bit of attention, so i need to get over acting like a five year old.

• easily stressed: i push myself very hard. i really try my hardest to be laid back about a lot of stuff, as many people who know me find out. but that is really just a defense mechanism, because i know how stressed i can become. i will continue to try to be relaxed about school and relationships (probably the two most stressful things i have) and i need to make sure i have ways of releasing my feelings. i want to pick up basketball again, so i think i will go buy a ball tomorrow.

• pessimistic: its true, i can be a worryer and a pessimist. i get it from my dad. for example, sometimes i really do think that i have no chance with women. yet if i really think about it, among the girls i have gone out with and dated, i would say 95% are quite attractive girls. i do have some charm in me. i just need to tell myself that more.

• cold: i said above i was loyal and loving, which i do believe, but sometimes i can be a very cold person. i am about the least sentimental person i know. sometimes i think that is good because it keeps me from emotionally attaching myself to thinks that don’t have a lot of meaning, but it also keeps me from a lot of joy in life. this last week, i spent a lot of time with my mom. a few times i thought that i was bored of it because her and i are so different, but when i went home at nights, i realized how i did love her and i did want to spend time with her. i will miss her someday. i need to learn to open my heart to more things.

• anger: i don’t get angry too often, but when i do, it is bad. i say and do stupid things. i need to learn more control of myself in emotionally stressful situations. i think part of the reason i can be cold is that i want to avoid those situations as much as possible. i think the best way to do it though is confront them and try and stay as calm as possible.

well, i think that is about it right now. new semester, new beginnings, and hopefully a new me.