I Am Bismark

Ok, now that we have the travelogue out of the way, I wanted to post a few things I’ve thought about since the trip down to Disneyland. The week before we went, while I was trying to describe Disneyland to Mariam, I told her it was “the Apple of theme parks”. After our weekend there, I’ve decided that it actually lacks in a number of areas, keeping it from being truly great.

Now I’m sure some of you absolutely love Disneyland and my family is packed full of die-hard annual pass holding fans, so I hope I don’t offend anyone by pointing out some of these flaws. Actually, I’ve reflected a bit on why Disneyland breeds such strong devotion, and I think it comes down to one word: nostalgia. Parents take kids, kids love it, parents love seeing their kids love it, good memories for all. Parents take kids again once they are older, original fun memories a remembered, good times are had. Kids become parents, bring their new kids, fun times are remembered, kids love it, rinse and repeat. I can bet that some members of my family probably have some fond memory from almost every inch of that park; no wonder they love going back.

Now if you hate crowds or American consumerism, then let’s face it, you will never like Disneyland (and probably not Apple either). But here are a few things Disneyland could really improve on:

1. The food. Ok, in the two days that we spent in the park, we certainly didn’t get a chance to sample all of the food, but we definitely did eat some pretty terrible stuff. The burger from Taste Pilots Grill in California Adventure in particular stands out as being absolutely tasteless and nasty, all for $10. Aside from that, much of what we ate was pretty generic: try getting some non-blah Dreyer’s ice cream in the park. Perhaps we just never made to it to the good stuff (ok, the deep fried corn dog was pretty good, but greasy late night theme park food is hard to screw up), but the fact that any of the food is terrible is a pretty large blemish on the park (think iPhone 4 death grip). There is no excuse for crappy food in this world. Disneyland should let outside independent restaurants come in and open up shop. The competition would be great for keeping the prices down and quality up. Imagine what all around amazing food would add to the atmosphere.

2. The souvenirs. Full disclosure: The existence of 99% of souvenirs makes me lose faith in mankind. Why anyone would spend their hard earned money on cheap, worthless crap is beyond me. Sadly, I am sure Disneyland makes a large amount of their profits from selling crap shaped like mouse ears. But if they are going to do that, can’t they at least sell something interesting or unique? Why does Disneyland sell the same junk you can find walking down the toy aisles at Walmart? Let me give one example: as you walk out of the Star Tours ride, a couple of really awesome Star Wars-themed travel posters are hanging on the walls. Even I, Mr. Anti-Souvenirs himself, was sucked into the trap and wanted to buy those posters. The ride exits directly into a souvenir shop, so I looked around for the posters: nowhere to be found. The place was just full of crappy plastic light sabers and stuffed Yodas, just like any Walmart across this country. What I am trying to say is: if you are going to sell crap, why not sell crap that is unique and different?

3. The cruft. Like I said, Disneyland basically runs off pure nostalgia, so I know that this last suggestion is probably the most far-fetched: lose the cruft. Animatronic elephants may have been all the rage back in the 1950’s, but now they are just cheesy and lame. Disneyland has enough money, why not real animals? The fake submarine ride just doesn’t make sense to me; why not fill the pool with real marine life? And seriously, please lose the Grand Canyon panorama with the stuffed animals. Things like that, especially for those who have seen the real thing, are always just so stupid and cheesy. It reminds me of the fake Eiffel Tower and Statue of Liberty in Las Vegas. Just kitschy.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on what could be improved at Disneyland. Let’s be honest, I will probably take my kids someday, and they will take theirs regardless of whether any of the above change. But seriously, those changes would be nice, wouldn’t they?