I Am Bismark

Ani, a friend of mine since, well, the womb, sent out an open letter to a bunch of people in her address book. She gave me permission to republish it and make some comments. Here is the entire text of the letter and my commentary is at the bottom:

To those who are concerned:

I am sensitive to the pervasive questioning within the church of what to do with all these un-married young adults. As a 26-year-old unmarried woman I am eager to share my perspective.

I am excited and awed by my current position in life and by my opportunities for the future. I do not doubt the great influence for good which I can affect on the world, nor do I shirk that responsibility. I seek to enlarge it. For the last two years (and for the first time in my 26 year-old-life) I attended a YSA ward as I completed my degree at Brigham Young University. I feel that I have a unique perspective on such congregations, as the majority of my “young single adult” life I have attended family wards and branches. I grew up in a small Wisconsin town and attended two Midwestern universities before transferring to BYU. In each University setting, LDS were in the minority and the closest YSA congregations met at least an hour away; so, I only visited them for monthly activities. Each Single Adult Ward I have attended in Provo has been a positive experience. I have relished the many deeply spiritual Sunday school lessons where the focus was uniquely adapted to the needs and concerns of our demographic. I have been impressed by the well-prepared talks, musical talent, and the silent reverence concentrated into sacrament meetings. I have gained life-long friends and confidants. And yet, I feel deeply persuaded that Single Adult Wards are in fact resulting in the exact opposite effect than that which was intended by their creation. Rather than encourage growth, these one-dimensional communities perpetuate stagnation. By sequestering individuals on the basis of marital status, the church as a whole is losing out on valuable time, talents, and energy. And, the ones labeled “single” continue to grow—just as the label suggests—in unnatural, monochromatic isolation.

As time passed at BYU, I increasingly felt more estranged from real life. One day I caught myself staring, entranced, at a young child skipping across campus. I realized that it had been months since I had even seen a child. It had been months since I’d been in any family setting at all. I found myself fully immersed in a peculiarly unsustainable community of transients. No elderly, no children, no married couples, no permanent residents. Such a scenario is impossible in a family ward, where just by attending church on Sundays one networks with all societal age groups. In Wisconsin and Iowa, I gained from the insight of older adults who had both lived my experiences and had wisdom beyond my years to share. And I, in turn, was looked to as an example and mentor for the young children and teenagers. Heeding my current sense of loss, I have since made attempts to get to know elderly neighbors, and to serve in areas where I can connect with young children and see families interact. But, these opportunities only come in secular environments. All BYU church settings are saturated by one “single” dimension of our population; they are void of families.

My desire to move my records into a family ward came as a shock to both my Bishop and my peers. Though most students I talk with roll their eyes at the state of single adult wards, few would feign to change his or her position. It is just so easy in a singles' ward, especially at BYU. Half of the sisters in my last Relief Society served missions, and all of the Elder’s quorum held the Melchizedek Priesthood. There were not enough callings to go around. For months last year, my sole calling was a visiting teacher to two active girls who lived next door to me. My VT companion was my roommate. Our visits were always enjoyable, but mostly our best efforts to serve were just a perpetuation of a good habit of obedience rather than requisite to our spiritual community. Please don’t misunderstand me. I make this observation not out of ignorance at the spiritual importance of Visiting Teaching, but out of a throbbing understanding of the need that exists in this world and a passionate desire to be part of the solution. After growing up in a small branch where I accompanied my mom on visiting a list of 10 women, mostly inactive, and many who lived an hour’s drive away, and after serving a mission in areas where the “inactives” outnumbered the “actives” by a magnitude of ten, I have experienced the undeniable power of Visiting and Home Teaching. I know they are divinely inspired programs. I have witnessed their miracles. I absolutely recognize that no singles' ward is devoid of need, yet the summer-camp experience fostered by these family-less congregations unhealthily hides need from view. Following the sterile definition of our label, no one has a family; the majority of us have only one person to look after.

In stark contrast to the mission field, I find myself enveloped in a self-centered world. My well-plotted daily plans are full of necessities: attend my classes, do my studies, complete my homework, go to my work, earn my money, prepare for my future family. Following this agenda, it sure did not take long for me to notice that my happiness factor was diminishing in direct correlation to the amount of time I spent on my own personal growth. I have covenanted with my God to give all I have to the building of His kingdom, and so, when I scan the rows of chairs at a single adult sacrament meeting, I am burdened by the thought that my peers and I sit as a mass of wasted time, talents, and energy. I have seen the work of a single mother, the financial strain of working parents, the inescapable busyness of parenthood. At this time of our lives, when our responsibilities have not multiplied to that magnitude, I believe that young single adults are the greatest potential resource for service that the church has. And yet, if there is a community of need around us, we do not know it. Instead, own wards' activities committees toil day and night to discover new and exciting ways to entertain us: renting out the movie theater for ward movie night, preparing an elaborate evening carnival up the canyon, brainstorming new water games to play in the park. I am neither a prude nor a recluse; I enjoy the entertainment as much as the next. But, I worry that the institution of Singles Wards simply delays adulthood and hinders real community-impacting experiences.

Conversely to what I perceive the intention of singles' wards to be, being immersed in a population of stellar singles actually increases my desire to stay single; there is great freedom, opportunity, and predictability in it. In contrast, when I am in family settings, observing healthy marriage relationships and interacting with children, my desire to be a wife and mother is re-ignited. So, how does one resolve the dilemma of being in a singles' ward, but not of a singles' ward? Marriage—though the most obvious answer—is the least controllable. Moving to a new location had to wait until after graduation. To find balance as a student, I occasionally attended a local Hispanic ward in the mornings before my assigned ward met. Now I work and reside in Salt Lake City where I have chosen to attend a family ward. In doing so, I have encountered numerous other singles who have made my same decision. One YSA in my current family ward told me she feels like she is now a member of a “real ward” again. We feel that our lives are enhanced, not hindered, by connecting with a more diverse population of less transient people. I understand that a large scale flood of singles into family wards could very well dilute the family wards to an un-stable condition, and so singles' wards may be an unfortunate necessity. However, some creativity may lead us to more productive arrangements where the sequester non-married members of the church may become more integrated into the church family, and where our un-tapped time, talents, and energy may be of greater use to the Lord’s kingdom.

Sincerely, ani

Hard to know where to start commenting on this.

In contrast, when I am in family settings, observing healthy marriage relationships and interacting with children, my desire to be a wife and mother is re-ignited.

(emphasis mine)

Actually, I think if single guys had to interact with children at church, none of us would ever get married… I kid, I kid. Children are great… from a distance :).

So, let’s start with my criticisms first (some of these will even venture into realm of the devil’s advocate).

As time passed at BYU, I increasingly felt more estranged from real life.

Honestly, I think this is the nature of attending an educational institution full-time. Even when setting aside the “Provo bubble”, going to university, sitting in the ivory towers, does not give anyone a sense of what “real” life is like. So I don’t think we can completely blame single’s wards for this.

In Wisconsin and Iowa, I gained from the insight of older adults who had both lived my experiences and had wisdom beyond my years to share. And I, in turn, was looked to as an example and mentor for the young children and teenagers… All BYU church settings are saturated by one “single” dimension of our population; they are void of families.

I think that interacting with young adults provides unique opportunities that those other relationships cannot. I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with an environment outside of the typical Mormon cultural setting.

I make this observation… out of a throbbing understanding of the need that exists in this world and a passionate desire to be part of the solution… I find myself enveloped in a self-centered world. My well-plotted daily plans are full of necessities: attend my classes, do my studies, complete my homework, go to my work, earn my money, prepare for my future family.

What is so wrong with a temporarily self-centered world? Should we really expect to be able to go out and change the world without focusing some time and energy on developing our knowledge and talents? And even though our college years are full of self-serving activities, even within the Provo bubble there are plenty of opportunities to take a break and help someone else.

I am burdened by the thought that my peers and I sit as a mass of wasted time, talents, and energy.

Calling the time, talent, and energy wasted seems rather subjective. Like I said, focusing during one’s college years on personal development is hardly a waste.

[I]f there is a community of need around us, we do not know it. Instead, own wards' activities comities toil day and night to discover new and exciting ways to entertain us…

I think the fault here lies completely with the ward’s activities committee. I know I was able to take part in a number of community service oriented activities while in Provo. And of course, just because there is suffering in the world doesn’t mean we are required to eschew all entertainment.

We feel that our lives are enhanced, not hindered, by connecting with a more diverse population of less transient people.

I think the transient aspect of a single’s ward can be viewed as a blessing. It provides countless opportunities to form long lasting relationships that can turn into a personal world wide network. Such a network can become an extremely powerful avenue for doing good things in the world.

Ok, now for things I agree with. Actually, I do agree with Ani that single’s wards often do not provide environments that explicitly encourage marriage between members. However, I am not entirely sure I believe that that is the actual purpose of a single’s ward. Sure, it defined by the marital status of it’s members, but the purpose of the ward is much greater than changing that status.

As a college student I was too self-centered sometimes, I admit. I look back and wish I had taken more opportunities to step outside of my study cave to serve other people. Single’s wards do have a responsibility to promote community service and to do things besides movie nights.

I don’t think single’s wards should be done away with. I don’t think the ward structure itself is the cause for any complacency or social myopia, that is strictly a personal choice. Single’s wards can be a force for much good (outside of nuptial inspiration) and I think they provide opportunities that a family ward could not provide to a young adult.