i am a jerk
nicole tried telling me that i act the way i view myself. so if i stopped thinking i was a jerk, i would stop being a jerk. but i can’t help it. all the evidence points to it. i mean, i am sitting here on a saturday night writing a blog. why? i burn bridges. flick of a match. crackle crackle. crashing into the river. and i really play the role of a jerk poorly. i’ve done my best to observe other guys. they are great at it. they have all the lines and right moves. i’ve tried them. admittedly, they work sometimes. i think i have too much of a conscious though, because i can’t go in such a quick succesion like the pros can. i get weak, slow down a bit, thinking i might have something worth holding onto. but soon enough my methods for getting there are revealed, i hurt feelings, the feelings i wasn’t supposed to have are hurt, and i find myself back at square one. i listen to some emo and get lost in my work. but then as soon as opportunity arises again, i give the jerk thing a shot, thinking maybe this time it will be different, and i can pull it off like the pros can.
occasionally i get glimpses of memory from years ago of what it felt like to care and be cared about.